Top Ten Signs Your Girlfriend Might be a Damn Zombie

In honor of Halloween … One of the funniest posts I’ve read in a very long time.

Bookshelf Battle

shutterstock_142239178From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, the Top Ten Signs that Your Girlfriend Might be a Damn Zombie:

10.  She’s been nibbling on your ear a lot lately…but she never did that before.

9.  She wants you for your brains.  No, not the thoughts in your brains.  You don’t have any because you’re stupid. She wants your actual brains.

8.  She bumps into walls more than usual.

7.  You handed her your credit card and shouted, “Free shopping spree on me, baby!” She sniffed said card and upon determining that it wasn’t brains, chucked it her over her shoulder.

6.  She keeps trying to take selfies with other she-zombies but her lips keep falling off whenever she tries to do the duck face.

5.  She looks really mad at you.  You ask her why she’s mad at you and she’s all like, “Grr…argh…I think you know why…grr….”

4.  She…

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Soooz Says Stuff! Uh-oh! “Let’s talk about sex-(ting) baby.”

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Those of you that know me are well aware that my mind goes off on on some fairly (Okay, make that really) weird tangents. Blame it on the weather, water supply, self-medicating … or just sixty-three years of observation and a whole lot of laughter.

For those of you fortunate enough not to have made my acquaintance yet, run, while you still can.

With that in mind, (mine, not yours) I ask you to picture this … if you will.

A young couple have been texting each other for a few days-weeks-hours. They finally make arrangements to meet face-to-face and phone-to-phone and decide that it’s time they took their relationship to another level.

Yeah! THAT other level.

Anyways … after they decide whose apartment is closer, using the google map app, and knowing they can order in using Menu-Log they head off for an evening of friends with benefits. Or, SEX as we called it back when writing was done on papyrus.

They decide on location. His apartment wins by 2.5 miles. It smells of unwashed sox and a fully loaded kitty-litter tray … but in the heat of passion, she doesn’t notice.

No pre-emptive romantic stuff. Throw back a few drinks, or something equally as numbing and away they go!

The clothes are off, the bodies stripped of designer label concealment … and so it begins.

Oh, did I mention that they are both clinging tightly to their cell-phones? No? Well, trust me, they are. (This is my little story, right?)

He kisses her, gazes into her eyes and waits … his phone buzzes.

The text message reads, “ That was, u know, nice.”

She smiles and kisses him in return. And, waits.

“Yes. Your skin smells great.”

He moves his free hand lower and strokes her. And…yeah, he waits.

“OMG.”

Taking that as a sign that things are moving right along he proceeds further …

She texts …“Can u take a selfie of my face, while I’m, you know?” Then the waiting thing again.

”Like, that’s such a cool, idea. U take one of me too?”

You know the drill.

“Wow, I’ll bet we are the first people in like ever to have done this.”

From here on I’ll just type the initial W for the waiting thing.

W.

“Yeah.”

She texts. “Um, who first? (SERIOUSLY!)

W.

“I like think it better be u. Cause, u know, if I do then um … u know, I kind of … u know, can’t get a selfie of u while u like … do.”

W.

“Oh. Lol. Yeah.”

W.

“Is it good?”

W.

“Amazing. I think u can take that, selfie, like, anytime now.”

W.

She texts again. “Did you get it?”

W.

“Sure did.”

W.

“Show me.”

He holds the phone to her  …

W.

“OMG! I’m like, wow, happy.”

W.

“My turn?”

W.

“Yeah, but can u make it like really fast, my phones almost out of charge.”

W.

“Oh, Ok. I’ll tell u when.”

W.

W.

W.

“Now.”

W.

“So, like, was it ok?”

W.

“Yeah! Take a look at the selfie.” She holds the phone to his face.

W.

“Wow. I feel like we really connected, u know. Can I C U again?”

W.

“This could be something um … special, like … really special, yeah?

W.

W.

“Yeah.”

And so, dear reader, the young um … lovers, exchange their real last names. Via text of course. This being the equivalent of taking her home to meet mom and dad.

So, are you sitting back nodding or shaking your head in agreement or despair at the “Younger” generation … ? Let me take you on a trip down memory lane (my memory not yours) er-hem.

Circa Late 1960’s. My generation.

Ah, yes … we were SO different. Weren’t we?

I mean sure we had a the whole cultural revolution thing happening, worldwide, there was free love ( a term which still amuses me) ain’t no such animal.

A population explosion,  ensued. (Gasp! Really?) Hippies, flower power, Woodstock, Dylan, Hendrix, Janis Joplin…OUR music, right?

We marched in protest against the Vietnam war, when most of us didn’t know where the hell Vietnam was. Never considering for one moment that the protests themselves whilst well motivated were  a slap in the face to all the boys who had gone off voluntarily to fight it.

The political world was in giant upheaval…ah, yeah. Well gee that’s really different.

We smoked our pot, had sex a lot, and complained about the older generation not understanding us .

Sounding familiar yet?

This generation, I’m talking circa 2017 now…are they really so different?

I think not. They are still playing the age old song, only the orchestrations have changed.

Anyways, that for what it’s worth is my take.

Gotta run…my guys on his way over, and the damned phone’s not charged

Like, um … seriously?

Sigh.

mandy-ward

 

 

Hey – it’s #RRBC #PUSHTUESDAY & the Spotlight’s on LARRY HYATT!

Larry Hyatt, remember the name folks! Great reading to be found in the pages of his book! Take a look!

Jan Hawke INKorporated

Every Tuesday #RRBC celebrates one of our most supportive members by tweeting like mad about them and their book(s)… Today it’s the turn of veteran radio broadcaster, comedian, all-round entertainer and author LARRY HYATT  to step up onto the platform for a super day in the sun that lasts all week! 😀

ALL ABOUT LARRY… by Larry!

61x5aydugwl-_ux250_Since the age of five I’ve been a performer. I’ve written radio comedy, sketch comedy and plays, produced television and radio, worked as a creative director for an arts and entertainment magazine, and published numerous humorous articles and essays. Add appearing in operas, musicals, and a movie, and one would wonder how someone who has entertained so much, has so little. Well, I’ll tell you…but wait, that would be stupid, because I wrote the book on having what it takes, and now want you to buy my book on knowing what it doesn’t.

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Book Review: “Milele Safari-An Eternal Journey” By Jan Hawke @JanHawke #RRBC #IARTG

Hello, and welcome to my Book Review of “Milele Safari: An Eternal Journey” by Jan Hawke.jan-hawke-book-cover-milele-safarii

Meet Jan Hawke.

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Meet Jan Hawke.

I live near Launceston in Cornwall UK with Toby and Benji the Springer Spaniels – it’s a tie between the boys as to who’s maddest, but as I outrank all of them in being weird anyway it’s not open to debate really.

I’m physically lazy with things that don’t hold much interest for me (so that’s mostly housework and, increasingly, cooking…), but I love where we live, mainly because I chose it for being so quiet and off the beaten track, very close to the moors and quite near to the sea.

I also love books, both to write and to read, the latter of which can be very eclectic (I enjoy Julian Barnes, Kate Atkinson, Jeanette Winterson and will happily admit to Jilly Cooper too) but in the main I’m heavily into SF&F, particularly Tolkien, Terry Pratchett and Julian May, although I can pass on Zombie Apocalypses fairly easily…

…how I’ve chosen to write about Africa for my first novel may be something of a surprise to my friends, but if you read it you may find that all of the above information manifests in there somehow!

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BLURB:

Milele Safari – An Eternal Journey …twines around a single day, in an unremarkable border village that snuffs out the lives of four people and shatters many others, only to draw the survivors back to a different time and, perhaps, a hope of atonement and peace. Step out on the journey and discover an Africa that could have been, is and might one day come to be

My REVIEW. 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟

This book at first demanded my attention and then utterly commanded it .

Much has been said in previous reviews of this book that may lead a new reader into the false illusion that it is not an easy book to read.

It is the subject matter that is the gut wrenchingly difficult undertaking here. It is not this authors’ unique way of expressing and exposing the storyline, for author Jan Hawke in this her first sojourn into sharing her skill, has a richly compelling voice.

The author has a distinct style, a way of weaving and inter-weaving the enormously difficult task she undertook at the outset to make Milele Safari, if not less harrowing, then harrowing with a sense of real purpose and a clear direction.

Your comfort zone may well be breached. If you are looking for a read that gives breathtakingly stunning visual images, yes … you will find those inside these pages in rich abundance. By the same token the authors ability to craft the horrors of Genocide, to re-create the emotional impact of overwhelmingly brutal acts of man’s ultimate betrayal of his own species will not spare you. My emotions were flayed raw by its telling.

This author gives you no easy fix. Such is the fabric of her characterizations. Each one is significant. Each has a component  necessary to the telling. The sharing of insights from differing perspectives and even those of differing species raises questions, we may be unwilling or unable to answer.

If you undertake this journey with a need to learn and explore, if it’s taken with a willingness to open your mind and your heart, you will not be disappointed.

I will be seeking out further writings from Jan Hawke. I believe she will become a force in writing to be acknowledged and widely read.

Bravo.

 

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Milele Safari on AMAZON

AMAZON AUTHOR PAGE

Twitter: @JanHawke

Jan on FACEBOOK

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What’s your indie-literary community done for YOU lately? Why #RRBC is the book club that makes a difference…

Simply had to share this marvelous post. Gwen Piano is an author and person I admire. Rave Reviews Book Club is such a supportive and multi-layered platform. Come on over and take a look, you won’t regret it.

Jan Hawke INKorporated

To paraphrase a wise and charismatic man –

ask not what your book club can do for you, ask what you can do for your book club…”

Well – Rave Reviews Book Club (RRBC) is a place where the community does exactly that, because the premise on which it was founded is that we constantly 

profile, promote and propel our indie author members.

The idea behind this is that if we all participate in this celebration of other authors and their work, and they do the same for us, the world will get to know about us and what we do a whole faster and better than if we’re battling all on our own in a vast ocean of thousands of other writers, all trying to get their books noticed.

If you followed the last link, you’ll have an idea of what goes on with RRBC EVERY SINGLE DAY! 

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Preparing the Listeners for my spot on RRBC Tag Team 2* 4* 5 Blog Talk Radio!

G’DAY! … I am so excited to have been invited to take part in the upcoming edition of RRBC TAG TEAM 2* 4* 5. Airing on Saturday 22nd October at 12.00 Midday CT in the USA. (It will be 4:00 am Sunday 23rd here in OZ)

In the spirit of forever being helpful (Plus the fact that I’m just really strange) I decided that you lovely folks may need a little bit of assistance in translating  “Aussie Speak.”  (Hell I’d never even heard of some of these myself!) The word ‘CRIKEY’ is missing from the list…’cause not many people apart from the late Steve Irwin (Croc Hunter) ever use it.

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I’m sending a copy to the hosts of the program Bill Ward and John Howell so they are well prepared for the utter confusion talking to me about anything, anywhere, and at any time often brings.

(Disclaimer) If I DO actually sound like this … PLEASE ignore! I’ll send a translator before I ever do a Radio Interview again. I kid you not.

 

Ace! : Excellent! Very good!

Arvo : afternoon
Amber fluid : beer
Aussie : Australian
Beaut, beauty : great, fantastic
Big Mobs : loads, a lot of
Bloody : very
Bloody oath! : that’s certainly true
Blue : argument/mistake
Bodgy : poor quality
Bonzer : great, ripper
Bottler : something excellent
Bottling :
his blood’s worth:
he’s an excellent, helpful bloke
Buckley’s chance :
(you’ve got)
no chance
Bull dust : rubbish
Cactus : dead, broken
Cark it : to die, stop working
Chocka : full up
Click : kilometre – “it’s 20 clicks away”
Come a gutser : a bad mistake or have an accident
Come good : turn out ok
Cooee, not within : figuratively a long way away
Cost big bikkies : expensive
Crack a fat : get an erection
Cream, to : defeat by a large margin
Cut snake :
(mad as a)
very angry
Dead dingo’s donger :
(as dry as a)
dry
Deadset : true / the truth
Dingo’s breakfast : no breakfast
Dinkum / fair dinkum : true, real, genuine
Dinky-di : the real thing, genuine
Docket : a bill, receipt
Doco : documentary
Drink with the flies : to drink alone
Dunny rat :
(cunning as a)
very cunning
Exy : expensive
Fair dinkum : true, genuine
Fair go : a chance / break
Fair suck of the sav! : exclamation of wonder, awe, disbelief
Furphy : rumour
G’Day : hello!
Give it a burl : try it, have a go
Give it away : give up
Going off : good fun
Good oil : useful information, a good idea, the truth
Good onya : well done
Grouse : great, terrific
Heaps : a lot
Iffy : dodgy
It’s gone walkabout : it’s lost, can’t be found
Kangaroos loose
in the top paddock :
Intellectually inadequate
Kick the bucket : to die
Knock back : refuse
London to a brick : absolute certainty
Lunch :
(who opened their?)
OK, who farted?
Mate’s rate : cheaper than usual for a friend
Mate’s discount : cheaper than usual for a friend
No worries! : no problem / its okay
Nun’s nasty :
(as dry as a)
very dry
Piece of piss : easy task
Pig’s arse! : I don’t agree
Plate, bring a : Instruction to bring a plate of food to a party
Pozzy : position
Quid, make a : earn a living
Rack off : get lost! get out of here!
Reckon! : for sure
Ridgy-didge : original, genuine
Right : okay
Ripper : Great
Rooted : ruined, broken
She’ll be apples : It’ll be all right
She’ll be right : it’ll be okay
Sparrows fart : dawn
Strewth : exclamation
Stoked : very pleased
Stuffed, I’ll be : expression of surprise
Too right : definitely
Turps, hit the : go on a drinking binge
Zack, not worth a : not worth anything

BOOK REVIEW: It Begins and Ends with Family. Author Jo Ann Wentzel.

Let’s meet the author!

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For several decades in addition to other jobs, I wrote. Mainly non -fiction for many online websites and several in print places. I worked for weekly newspapers. I was involved in Parenting Today’s Teen in a couple capacities. I was a Small Business Examiner and also wrote articles for rescue pets at the Examiner. I wrote for Helium, Associated Content, Suite 101 where I specialized in party and holiday articles. I covered many topics but many of my articles were parenting ones many geared towards foster parents. I also wrote a non -fiction book about our many years as foster parents and working with clients and young people and their families. It Begins and Ends with Family is available as an e-book on Amazon. The print format will also be on Amazon in a couple days. You can get it right now at Create Space.

Just recently I began to expand my writing and released my first fiction book. It is called Ultimate Betrayal. There are similar titles so find the one by Jo Ann Wentzel. It is a Christian book about end times and good versus evil. It features a ‘what if ‘scenario where a certain criminal element explodes till no one knows what to do with them. The solution is almost as bad as the problem. I’ve already been asked for a sequel. You can buy this book in e-format and print on Amazon and in print format on Create Space.

Knowing that the audience is all that matters and they are how books get noticed, read and reviewed, I humbly ask for your support.

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It Begins and Ends with Family is a book written by parents who fostered over 75 kids, mainly teen aged boys and often eight at one time. The book relates the experiences of a foster parent and some of the discoveries made about why and how to foster. These parents learned that everything comes down to families. It starts with how children are raised and what type of family dynamics are present in their natural family. It continues with what the foster family can do with these children once the dysfunctional family unit has spoiled them. It ends when the foster family has done all they can to undo any harm done and start that child on the right path. Family impacts the situation when the child returns to their family of birth and needs to fit in again but, often with a whole new set of rules and values. The real key to calling this experiment a success is when these children grow up and have relationships and children of their own. So it truly has everything to do with family.

Our house was for those who had so many behavior issues that it was our house or detention. We had some of the worse kids and some of the most damaged. We know every child we fostered was not a success, but we can still offer advice since difficult kids demanded unique parenting methods. We hope you enjoy the descriptions of some of the kids we fostered and their specific issues we tried to solve. After working with all types of kids each with their own different challenges, we are sure you will enjoy the antics and anecdotes involved with many years of working with kids from many Midwest counties.

MY REVIEW 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 It Begins and Ends with Family.

I believe that reviewing non-fiction presents us with a unique challenge. It requires the reader to focus on the fact that these people are real.

These people are not the fictitious characters we all love to escape with. These folks exist in the world, they feel, they cry, they laugh and sometimes they bleed.

For this reader, this book hit a chord, a raw nerve ending. That moment when the recognition at gut level hit so hard I needed to stop for a moment, take a deep breath and then continue, simply because I needed more.

Author Jo Anne Wentzel writes with love, she writes with knowledge and compassion, more importantly … she writes with a truth and honesty that is as soul touching and memorable as anything I have ever read in non-fiction, perhaps even more so.

The definition of the word “Foster” says in part, ‘ To encourage the development of (something, especially something desirable).’

That something in this book is the development of a nurturing, structured and loving environment for damaged children. A place where they can learn to feel safe. A place where they can perhaps learn what it is to trust.

The author and her marvelous family provide a safe haven where children are given the chance to feel loved, for perhaps the first time in their chaotic, disturbing and often dangerously unpredictable lives.

It is a book that caused me to cry, and then laugh through my tears, as the author’s humor surfaces. Moments when all I could do was nod my head and say to myself, ‘Ah, yes.’

In this readers opinion, this book should be ‘Mandatory reading’ for all people intending to foster a child, or already fostering.

The system doesn’t always work the way it is intended to, and so many children slip through the cracks.

I for one am so grateful that people like this author and her family were there to pick up those pieces, and put them back together again with the binding element of love.

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PURCHASE HERE ON AMAZON

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