Look Back in ANGER … Move Forward with DREAD. A brief exploration of me.

BANNER LOOK BACK IN ANGER

 “The best predictor for future behavior is past behavior.”

Have you read and heard that statement as often as I have?

More importantly however, is, do you recognize and believe it?

Has your past behavior resounded through time to continuously affect the way you respond to life, right here and right now?

Mine certainly has.

I’ve headed this post “Look Back in ANGER … Move Forward with Dread.”

Therein lay my challenge to myself.

Make no mistake, I have held onto the fierce anger I learned to feel before I was taught to write my own name.

It has raged inside me forever, or so it seems.

It is relentless, soul consuming and unapologetic in its efforts to deny me peace of mind.

I have loathed it … and I have nurtured it.

For it has become comfortingly familiar to me, much like an old friend that I recognize, and in that recognition I’ve invited it to re-visit me over-and-over, and over again.

I seek answers within the rage, knowing in advance, that there are none to find. For I know from whence that rage stems.

I rail against it, I abhor it … I recognize the damage that it offers my future self, and in an instant I deny that recognition.

For I have sought comfort in the unrelenting familiarity I find within these boundaries I have set myself.

The anger, helplessness and utter frustration that I’ve recognized and clung to, have not enriched my existence.

Nor have those raging reactions and emotions enriched the existence of those that have loved me in spite of it.

It is not only for myself, but, for them, that this morass of soul devouring rage has to change.

I can NOT go backward in time and alter the situations that crafted my rage.

I can NOT undo the damage that life’s fickle hand has dealt me.

I can NOT forget or forgive those that perpetrated their evil betrayal on an unsuspecting child.

But … I CAN learn to reshape that rage into a renewed sense of purpose.

I CAN learn to channel that sense of purpose into a passion that spurs me on to do better.

I  CAN permit myself to love those that love me … and do so unconditionally.

I CAN allow myself to again trust in my own judgment.

Until, ultimately, I CAN move forward into a future unclouded by dread.

Yes, it will be difficult, and, Yes, it will present me with challenges.

But the rewards of attaining this freedom from rage  will enable me to pursue personal goals I’ve long wanted to acheive.

It will grant me the permission to feel pleasure in its final accomplishment.

Now THAT is the future I want. THAT is the future I’ll aim for.

That gives me reason to smile.

 

 

 

 

16 thoughts on “Look Back in ANGER … Move Forward with DREAD. A brief exploration of me.

  1. So perfectly said Soooz! We do have a choice going forward. Learning to believe in the words “I can” is so powerful and life changing. Thanks for this inspiration and reminder!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thanks, Denise. I have a corkboard on the wall facing my desk, and I have made up a sign that just says “Oh, YES you CAN!” My form of positive affirmation.😀 Thanks so much for stopping by.

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  3. Soooz, I can’t begin to explain how much I admire your spirit. I haven’t read Empty Chairs,but I know enough about you to know you have every right to be a bitter person. Instead, you are the exact opposite. I love your generous and friendly spirit. I’ve avoided Empty Chairs, because I’m not sure I can handle the darkness I know I will encounter–a life you never should have endured. I grew up in an extremely loving family with amazingly supportive and loving parents. That said, I have downloaded Empty Chairs and intend to read it soon. It’s been a hard decision for me and a book I would normally avoid—but knowing you has made all the difference. You are an inspiration, my friend. Rest assured, your spirit has touched many.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Mae Clair. There is nothing I can say that will shield you from what you will find as you read the beginning of my journey. It amazes me still when I remind myself that I’m now 64 years old. I believe that the best part of my journey will begin again with every new sunrise. I never did learn to stay down for the count. I am honored to have the pleasure of calling you my friend. 🌹

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  4. My goodness, my first reaction is how well, how powerfully you write. My second is that I am amazed because I had thought you had already gone through the forgiving stage of the terrible cruelty dealt to you in your childhood. I thought that the catharsis happened when you wrote the two memoirs of your childhood. And now, to think that you are still tormented by the rage this ill-treatment has caused makes me weep for you, Soooz. Oh, how I admire your strength. I think that the resolutions you have made in this brilliant piece of writing must be a lesson to all your readers of how a person can change. And that forgivenness is something that is not easy but if it can be done then it opens new doors for happiness, for achievement, for a new life. With much love, Sheila

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hello, my dear friend. The capacity to alter the course of my life is firmly in my own hands. The weight of the rage has wearied me for far too long. I need to replenish my soul now. I may never be able to forgive those that murdered my childhood …BUT I can forgive myself for surviving it. I’ll learn more each day, and hopefully grow within that knowledge. Your support over these years of our friendship has enriched my life. Thank you.🌹

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  6. Hello Sooz, having read your memoirs, I have so much admiration for you. What you have survived and what you have achieved, despite everything. You are a shining light and an inspiration to others who have suffered. I love your Cans. Blessings to you, Julie xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. 🌹Thank you, Julie. I have had the privilege of meeting some amazing people on my journey, people who shared with me both their time and their wisdom, they taught me how to love and more importantly they taught me how to be loved in return. It’s been one crazy roller coaster of a ride, but I look at my daughter and small grandson and I understand that it all had been worth it. I appreciate you stopping by. Thanks again! xx

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