I’m not as invincible and unstoppable as I’d like to believe. #RRBC #RWISA

thankful heart

I’m not as invincible and unstoppable as I’d like to believe.

This isn’t the post I’d hoped to write to begin 2019. Far from it in fact. It’s hard facing truths about ourselves that alter our perceptions of who we are. Yet by continually relegating an honest appraisal of just why I do the things I do to the back burner of my conscious mind I have cheated myself. Why?  … Because it was a damned sight easier to live with the deterioration of my health if I continued to hide from it.

I have had to finally understand and deal with the fact that despite my most optimistic visions of my future I am not invincible. Can I truly have kidded myself for so very long that I am unstoppable? Oh, yes indeed, my friends … and then some. I have chosen denial because it was easier. Simple really, for if I refused to acknowledge that my health was deteriorating then it just wasn’t. And if my symptoms caused concern to others then it was a minor hiccup and I’d prove again that all the worry I caused was a temporary thing. I’d bounce back just like I always do. I’d laugh and make jokes about being dangerous in my old age. Leave ‘em laughing!  Yeah, that’s the way I always did it. Hell, it worked for such a long time why shouldn’t I just keep right on doing it?

Because my continued pig-headed stubborn refusal to acknowledge that I needed help had just seen me spend seven days of this New Year in the hospital. I arrived home last night.

Many of you are already aware that my health has been an ongoing pain in the ass for years now. And THAT is exactly the way I saw it. It was a temporary halting of my daily routine. I refused to see it as anything more.

BUT, in order for the all the specialists and doctors instructions to be successful, I have finally had to learn to accept that I will have more restrictions and limitations placed upon me. Those limitations will not be short-lived but ongoing.

My Darling Daughter has also been my carer for two years now, it’s she who has had to wheel me in my chair to my numerous doctors and specialists appointments for the last twenty months. It she who asks her friends to help out with driving us if it’s raining, or if the walk is too long for me to be out in the cold weather. She does everything in and around the house, she showers me, prepares all my meals, does all the shopping and manages to be a wonderful single mother to my six-year-old grandson. There are nights now when she needs to check in on me every two hours, she doesn’t get much of a chance to ever just kick back and relax.

I fell really ill again just before Christmas and refused to acknowledge that I was in pain and finding my breathing increasingly restricted. There was NO way I was going to spend Christmas in hospital. So I made with the jokes and bluffed my way through it. I gave no thought to the added burden this may have caused her. She hid her growing worry and her concern until the afternoon hours of January 1st when she finally said ‘enough is enough’ and rang an ambulance. I should have made that decision a week earlier. I should have been the adult in this situation. I didn’t  because that would mean that I had to acknowledge that I wasn’t getting any better. I mean I’m unstoppable, aren’t I?

So, to cut to the chase I’m now back home. I have double pneumonia again and the joints of both my left and right hip are infected. More tests are scheduled. Having oxygen available at home will now be a permanent fixture, not just a temporary solution. The doctors are experimenting with pain relief, as morphine restricts my breathing and is therefore no longer a viable option. I’m confident that a solution to take the edge off the pain I’m in will be found, I need to remind myself to be patient.

I can no longer be left alone in the house for longer than two hours at a stretch. The Doctors have expressed their concerns and have left me in no doubt that I need to change the way I deal (Or don’t deal) with the reality of my condition. I’m finally listening. Now this means in part that I need to change the way I look at things. I have to groan when I recall all the times I’ve parroted “I’m fine” or ‘You should see the other guy!’ my semi-regular response to comments of ‘you don’t look well, Soooz.’ I’m a smart-ass. That’s the way I’d always done it.

The look on my daughter’s face when I sat her down for a blunt and honest discussion about my current health and the health regime I now need to follow closely will remain with me as a reminder. She burst into tears of utter relief. We hugged each other and yes we even laughed about all the times I’d thought I was fooling everyone, with the ‘I’m just fine’ routine.

It was a long overdue conversation.

So, guys and girls here I am.

My name is Soooz. I’m NOT invincible. It’s Wednesday, January 09, 2019. I count myself totally blessed to have my daughter and grandson in my life. I count myself truly blessed to have been granted this day. I vow not to waste it.

Thank you for sharing a part of it with me.

30 thoughts on “I’m not as invincible and unstoppable as I’d like to believe. #RRBC #RWISA

  1. Dearest Soooz, I am utterly gutted on reading your letter. What an amazing, brave, proud woman you are. I always have admired you but you have now proved that you are an even greater person than I’ve always thought you were. In a way I can understand your reticence to admit the severity of your condition, and thereby hope to diminish it. My late husband Col had exactly the same attitude as you have, and this kept him going for far longer than anybody thought possible. But at almost 89, he sadly succumbed. You on the other  hand still have many years to go when your strength of mind and your incredible determination will see you through many more years. The mind has a huge influence over what happens to the rest of the body.Oh Soooz, I am so sorry that you have to suffer all these painful conditions. You are indeed lucky to have such a wonderful daughter who looks after you so brilliantly. I was also a carer for several years, and I know that it is something you do for someone you love, that you actually enjoy doing. Perhaps that’s not quite the right word. Sometimes what you do for someone you love is not entirely pleasant, but you do it with everything you have to give because that is part of this thing called love. And I’m sure that she must love you very much. In fact we all love you.  So I am sending you a whole load of love, and I so hope that you will manage to find some relief from your pain, knowing that your daughter and your lovely grandson are there for you. Much love,Sheila 

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    1. Sheila my dear friend how kind you are. You have suffered such an enormous loss in your darling Col’s passing yet you reach out and offer comfort and support to those of us fortunate enough to have you as a friend. Thank you. My darling daughter makes me so proud. What a marvelous young woman she is, and how lucky I am to have her love me as she does. Thank you again for your kindness. ❤️️

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  2. I count myself truly blessed to call you a friend, Soooz. This was a heart-wrenching post to read. I’m sure it was doubly difficult to write. It sounds like this was a wake-up-call for you, but also one that was needed in order for you to move forward in life. We age in stages and this is a new stage you’re entering—one of acceptance. You have been in my prayers and will continue to be in my prayers, especially that you get relief from the pain you’re in.

    My mother and I were extremely close and I was her caregiver in her later years (along with my sisters and my brother). It’s so important to have someone you love to lean on. Your relationship with your daughter is amazing and inspiring. She is a special person, as are you. {{{BIG HUGS}}}

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    1. ❤️️Thank you for the warmth of your friendship and your endless support, my friend. I need to learn that acceptance is not capitulation. Accepting a situation is not giving in or giving up. That will be my new daily mantra. I hope this old girl’s not too old to learn a new way of looking at the world. (((Hugs)))

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  3. Aw, Soooz. This post causes me to double my efforts on behalf of praying for your health and well being. All of us who love you and your writing need you to take care of us. That’s right. You need to take care of you so that we can continue to be pleasured by your beautiful mind. I hope you will think of us when you decide to “tough it out.” Having said all that, I am still hoping you’ll kick this crap and get back on the horse. (Or kangaroo or what have you.)

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    1. You always manage to make me smile, my friend. The gift of your friendship and support brightens my day. If someone will just hold that damned horse still for a while I’ll be attempting to re-mount. (Mind you, I may not be quite up to Rodeo fame for a short while.) Good grief now there’s a mental image! Thank you, John.😊❤️️

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  4. Dear Soooz, I’m so sorry you’ve been so ill. Praying for you, for health and everything else you need. Your daughter is amazing – obviously she takes after you! lots of love from Gerry xxxxx

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  5. Dear, dear Soooz,
    I consider you part of my family through your books, your blog, your sweet comments here and there. I so wish I could be of help to your daughter, but alas, the distance is just too great. Instead, I will pray in earnest for you my dear friend and for your daughter. There are few people who have touched my heart as you have, Soooz. Rest and know that you are deeply loved. Your life journey has helped transform how many think about violence toward another. You have opened the doors of our hearts and flooded them with compassion. With much love and respect, Gwen

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    1. How incredibly lucky I am to be considered a part of your family. My life has been enriched by your presence in it, my friend. Family is something precious, to be treasured, nurtured and valued. I’m heading into unfamiliar territory and will utilize the light my friends bring to my life to guide me forward. Much. love and deep gratitude, Gwen. Thank you.❤️️

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  6. Hello my dear friend. I can relate, it’s so difficult for me to admit my vulnerabilities but I’ve also learned through the years that it takes even more strength to admit when you need help. I wish I was closer to lend a hand. I will be thinking of you and sending good healing vibes your way. Thank you for sharing. Much love❣️

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    1. ❤️️I need to keep repeating to myself that acceptance doesn’t equate to capitulation. I’m learning to ask for help and that is and has always been such a difficult thing for me to do. Too afraid to be seen as vulnerable I guess. I only hope I’m not too old to learn a new way of being in the world. Thanks as always for the warmth and support of your friendship. xoxo

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  7. I’m so sorry to hear about your health, Sooz! You are a true warrior and such an inspiration to authors all over the world. Sending you some long distance hugs and super good healing vibes. Take care of yourself and recover so you can continue to shine. Much love and hugs!

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  8. This was so beautiful, Soooz. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I’m so very sorry to hear about your health but am glad that you are fighting back. You’re an inspiration to us all. Thinking about you, praying for you, and hoping better days are coming for you. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. ❤️️Thank you, Mar! I know you’ve just come through a difficult year yourself, my friend. Thank you for your kind words and your prayers. Please be as kind to yourself as you always are to others. Teaching ourselves to relax in a world that seems to run on fast-forward is difficult. I am experimenting with ways to disconnect from the chaos. Today I’m planning on taking an hour or so just to sit with the headphones on and begin playing through all my favorite music. I’m starting today with ‘Queen’. 😊

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      1. Thank you, Soooz. An hour of relaxing with your favorite music… sounds wonderful! I’ve always found that music is soothing for the soul, and a necessary part of life. At least for me. 🙂

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