“Soooz Says Stuff!” ‘It’s A Girl Thing.” AKA “The Girl’s Night Out” Unapologetically Politically Incorrect.

 I recently posted ‘It’s A Guy Thing” and being the fairest of people, of course I need to express the viewpoints of the ‘Opposing team.’

Thus we come to “It’s A Girl Thing.”

Let’s take a look at a fairly typical “Girl’s Night Out.” An Ancient, revered, and oft’ misunderstood ritual.

Picture this … Location … A Singles Bar in a Big city, anywhere.

WHEN … Every Saturday night. Unless said Saturday night occurred in conjunction with a full moon. When all the smartest of bars remained shuttered and closed.

Paramedics? … On stand by.

Cops? … They’ll wait and see how this one pans out.

Cats drinking cocktails its a girl thing.

Welcome to ‘Tabitha Tabbies’ Girl’s night out.

The Girls Night Out is an ancient mating ritual, oft’ misunderstood. The premise being that one of the clan is tying the ribbon soon. She is leaving the clan to begin a clan of her own. To celebrate they band together and hunt en-masse. Their prey? Must be male and preferably breathing.

I’ll be your tour guide for the evening. Don’t hope for David Attenborough, and you wont be disappointed. Whenever necessary I’ll translate the girl/guy text-speak into a language that hopefully even men can understand.

Things you need to know to help the visual imagery along …

Item 1.

You need to be aware that these locations have invisible wall of separation; AKA ‘Keep your ass in your own space, bitch!

Item 2.

Each segment of the room houses it’s own clearly definable group.

Thus we have … Group one: The girls label them as ‘The Desperate and Dateless.’ The guys label them “A Sure Thing”

Group two: The girls label them as ‘We clearly don’t belong here.’ The guys label them ” Reconstructions.”

Group three: The girls label them ‘The Kindy Kids’. The guys label them as “The FORBIDDEN ZONE.”

Lets briefly visit each group one by one. Listen in to one of the conversations … and the translation.

Please be aware that as the translator I am provided my non-watered-down drinks for free.

GROUP 1.

“Oh my god, it’s gonna be one of those nights! Look who just strutted her reconstructed ass through the door.” Felicity Furball hissed her displeasure.

Translation! (Two drinks in) Oh god I have to get the name of her surgeon!  Her ass looks seriously amazing.

“Dahling Katrina! It’s so wonderful to see you! You’ve been gone for weeks. I’ve missed you.” Felicity purred out the words. “You look so well rested.”

Translation! Oh, crap, don’t sit here!  I haven’t had a botox update for weeks..

Air kisses erupt at the table and the selfie pandemic begins.

Meanwhile over at GROUP two,  at the “We clearly don’t belong here.” table, Miss -Directed was airing her views on the gathering. She also gave her new boobs an airing as well.

“Wow! Eyes left, kittens. We have dream candy on approach to the bar!’ she squealed with happy anticipation, being careful not to smile too hugely less the laughter lines give her the look of ‘Yoda’ on steroids.

Charlie for Girls Night Out
DREAM CANDY Charlie Hunnam

 

Fat yoda
Yoda on Steroids.

Translation. (Four drinks in) I saw him first, so keep your grubby paws off!

“He seems quite … er … young-ish.” said Miss -Apprehension.

Translation  (Six drinks in) “I’m old enough to be hish … older shister. Oh all right then, aunt!”

“Don’t be ridiculous. It’s just the lighting.” Said everyone else at the table.

Transhlashun = (Stopped counting drinks a while back)  “don’t bring the resht of the group down, bitch. Let ush have our fantashy!

And the selfie pandemic continued.

Ah, then we come to Group three. The ‘Kindy Kids” enclave.

Where, everyone talked at once, sometimes even face to face,(Gasp!) but way more often they would text. Most of the conversations went something like this,

“So, I’m like, what the? (Insert confused face … 😕)thus.  What’s with the guys here? They look, like, you know, seriously old.” Says Miss Prudence.

Translayersh … Yeah … so they shaid , I’m utterly confushed! Can anyone exshplain to me why the guysh here are shignificantly older than ush?

“Some of them are like, you know, not too bad.” (Insert Smiling face)😊 thus,  “Says Miss Conception.

Trans whatsis!  = “I dishagree (But not strenuoushly,) ’cause I did not utilishe um youtilishe  … I didn’t ushe a (Insert Angry Fashe)😠

“You’re kidding me, right? They are like in their twenties or worse!” (Insert wheelchair symbol ♿)

Yeah, what she shaid = “I think you’re joking. You mush be! You’re eyeshight clearly needsh checking. (Insert Optometrist symbol) or as close as you can get. 😷

Much laughter is of course shared at the very thought of someone in their twenties being out so late.

And then = Lol, lol, lol,😆😆😆  rotflmao. 🤣

“Oh, wait!  Look at the one in the Armani threads. He’s like, to die for!” Said Miss Directed (Insert Angel) 👼

Yup = “Jush a moment! The man wearing the Armani suit ish devilishly attractive! (Insert picture of the impossibly attractive Mr J. Depp) just because this is my blog and I’m allowed to.)

Johnny Depp

Much groaning ensues at such an obvious gaffe.

So they all do the Sigh! thing. I can’t translate it, but it’s you know, kinda like the sound you make when your partner at the time says something really diabolically stupid. Yeah sort of a whooshing, hissing noise.

“Baby-girl, what are you thinkin‘??? (Insert laughing face)😛  One of his x’s would kill you!(insert Angry Face)😠 🌟 These hotshots don’t live in the real world. I’m like, serious. (insert serious face) “😖

I now have 911 on speed dial (Which would do me no good whatsoever ’cause our code down here in Australia for Emergency responders is 000)=

Anywaysh … “What the hell, are you batshit crazy? I’m not kidding around here. Have you seen his ex?

“Oh. I’m like, so, you know,  embarrassed. (Insert embarrassed face) Says Miss-Directed😱.Yadda yadda = “I’ll approach him later when this lot are gone.

“It’s like, okay. Whatever? So, you DO know how to pick out the married ones, right?”

slayshun. = “You re forgiven. It doeshn’t matter. Please reasshure me that you would recognishe a married man if you shaw one.”

“By their look of abject misery?”

Um … = I threw that one in just ’cause it made me laugh.

“I’m like, serious, girlfriend! You like, need to look for the white-place where their wedding bands were, up till, like, an hour ago … unless you know, like maybe the poor thing’s just been ditched.”

Uh-oh = (Insert Shtern Face) 😡But not your mother’s. “I kid you not! Theshe guysh take off their wedding ringsh and ‘ccordingly exposhe the thin band of white where the shun failed to penetr… um shine. You are in deepesh-do-do if they are newlywedsh, and have yet to have worn the ring long enough for a mark to appear.  Sigh. Unlesh the guy is badly on the rebound and looksh utterly helplesh, and then your assh is hish!

“Eeew! That is so, like, creepy. My dad, like, would not do something like that; and he’s like, you know, married.”

“To your Mom?”

lol…Sorry!

“Like, I know, right. For the second time, even. Go figure!”

So, yeah … “I’m pissed off about it.

“Wow. That is, like, seriously different.”

“Shit eh!

“Promise me you’ll never tell, like, anyone.”

“Oh I would never like do that.” (Says she already composing a Facebook post guaranteed to get hundreds of you know … likes.)

Spontaneous outbreak of hugs and much air-kissing ensues. And then of course the ritual of attending the bathroom en-masse begins. The table is temporarily abandoned. With the least popular and most unattractive girl is left behind at the table to ‘watch’ the bags. Men have yet to affix a suitably detrimental title to this phenomenon. They sink into David Attenborough mode and whisper of magic animalistic rituals that they are never permitted access to.

Ah, yes indeed, the girls night out.

The paramedics warmed up their ambulances.

The cops called in sick.

And as for the guys, they held bedroom auditions, knowing well in advance that nobody here would be in need of a call back.

Those fools that breached the ‘Forbidden Zone’ are still seeking bail.

Such is life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My ‘Soooz Says Stuff’ page. “It’s A Guy Thing”… guaranteed to contain NO Political-Correctness whatsoever. Social commentary … my way.

My observations of life are often expressed with my rather dark humor. I enjoy helping folks take a look at something serious, expressed my way.

I  originally wrote this around eight-years-ago.

A  conversation I overheard recently forced me to recall it.  It also amused me to recollect that when I first posted this all those years ago I had some interesting reactions, some of the women that commented were initially outraged … Until they discovered that a woman had written it. Then it became suddenly acerbic and clever. Some of the men that commented, initially laughed and shared it … Until they discovered that a woman had written it. Fascinating, yes?

Besides which, it’s just sadly funny, and you don’t need any damned permission to laugh.

 

It’s ‘A Guy Thing’… guaranteed to contain NO Political-Correctness whatsoever.

“It’s A Guy Thing”

It’s very short … trust me.

It's A GUY thing Picture

“What the … ?”

So yeah, I’m an elephant. And yes, I am up a tree.

Okay, granted I look a bit out of place.

Well yeah, okay! I look fuckin’ ridiculous. I could go all ‘Alpha’ male and say I’m a sniper. But you guys aren’t gonna buy that crap, ’cause I’m not dressed in black.

And, no, Smart ass, I do not have a personality disorder, in fact I’ll have you know that my friends tell me often that I don’t have a personality at all.

Huh? What? Now wait just a damned minute … !

You want me to explain just how I got here! You’re shittin’ me, right?

Okay, alright already, but remember, you asked.

So, it was a normal Friday evening, the guys and I had finished pullin’ a long shift up at the logging camp, and we headed down to our favorite watering hole to toss back a few dozen cold ones.

The Jungle Bar was in full swing. We had all had seven or eight Jungle juices and were just starting to hang loose.

I was into a deep and meaningless conversation with Gerry Giraffe, aka the Big G, we were laughing it up big time. All the usual suspects were bullshitting about the size of their trunks, while the Big G and I were shootin’ the breeze about basketball.

We ignored the well dressed cats in the corner, they were listening to Streisand and crying a lot.

So, there we were doin’ our usual Friday night “guy” things, when in came the Trio from hell. I shit you not. Picture this, three of the ugliest, noisiest, annoying-est females, on this, or any other planet.

Harriet, Hesta, and Hermione Hyena … man I’m tellin’ ya, these females had faces uglier than the southern end of a north-bound Baboon; three faces that could cause ya to have temporary nausea. Are you with me so far?

They came busting into the joint screaming and laughing , and laughing and screaming and screami’ … well you get the general idea. They were hyster-ectomy-erical.

Or some other female P.M.S thing.

Anyways, they started on about somethin’ called a Soo-Nar-Me.

Hey, I’m not adverse to that Sushi stuff; ya know, it ain’t too bad. But, man they were carryin’ on like this Soo-Nar-Me stuff was to die for.

So, we did what any normal red-blooded males would do when confronted by three hysterical females; we ignored them.

Did I mention they were ugly?

Alrighty then, so we got back down to business and “A good time” was being had by all. Personally I think that is a perfectly ridiculous name for a female, but hey, whatever floats ya boat.

As it turns out, ignoring the ugly sisters was perhaps not the wisest choice we could have made. ‘Cause next thing we know is we are all surfing without benefit of boards!

Man, I mean this was the biggest fucking wave I have ever seen.

I up-periscoped the trunk and here I landed, in a big tree, with a fuckin’ huge eagles nest built in, filled with an entire restaurants worth of enormous eggs.

Did I mention that I swear? A lot.

I shit you not, my friends. I’m in a fuckin’ fix. And then some.

I sent my girlfriend Essie up to the logging camp, with orders to bring back a crane. Essie is just so beautiful, she has the biggest brownest eyes. I forced myself to remember that when she returned with her pretty trunk curled gently around the skinniest, long-legged-est, most pissed off bird I have ever seen. Man his feathers were ruffled.

Yeah, yeah, Okay!  Sure, it was a Crane; but c’mon, how bright did she have to be?

Did I mention that Essie is beautiful?

So, It looks like I have some time to kill. I been thinkin’ that I maybe need to do a minor re-think on some of my attitudes.

Let’s see.

Firstly, understand that seriously ugly females have their place in the world. Yeah, your place, his place, anywhere but my place.

Aw hell, poor things. But they’ve gotta be good at somethin’, right?

Hey, there’s a thought! Doh!

Secondly. I should maybe learn some important words and phrases in a couple of foreign languages; uh … such as, ‘Police,’ ‘Fire-Brigade,’ ‘Ambulance,’ ‘Pour me a beer,’ ‘My place or yours,’ ‘I’ll still respect you in the morning,’ and, ‘Of course I love you.’ You know; the guy thing stuff.

Thirdly. Find out what Show-van-ist means. I think it’s German.

Fourthly. I should maybe try and listen when someone seems to be upset about somethin’- even if they are ugly.

Oh-my-God! The damned eggs are hatchin’, I’m gonna be a daddy! How the hell do I explain this one to Essie the crane-fetcher?

Oh please! … Now what in the hell is goin’ on down on ground level?

Oh, you-have-got-to-be-shittin’-me!

There is some skinny-assed chicken down there, runnin’ around flappin’ his wings and fricasseein his ass, screechin’ “The sky is falling!”

What the fuck?

Anybody out there got an umbrella?

Shit…!”

Some days it just ain’t worth getting out of my or anybody else’s bed. Even if they are ugly.

***

So! When I’m bailed out of the naughty corner I’ll write my next post.

In the interest of fairness, it will be titled … “It’s A Girl Thing.”

This is the picture that will accompany it.

Cats drinking cocktails its a girl thing.

I spare no one.

 

 

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‘Welcome everyone to my new “Soooz Says Stuff” page. I’ll be sharing with you all the crazy stuff I write, just for the fun of it! Post 1 ‘The Pleasant Pheasant Plucker!’

Every so often on my journey through this crazy world I have the urgent need to write ‘off the wall’ crazy stuff, just for the hell of it. I’ve decided to reserve a special page on my blog; the “Soooz Says Stuff Page” The following  is the result of one such trip into mayhem. The original Limmerick goes (I believe) as follows.

“I’m not the pheasant plucker

I’m the pheasant plucker’s son

I’m only plucking pheasants

till the pheasant plucker comes.”

 

Then we have my expanded alternate version: Pheasant Plucked image

WARNING! Dangerous when spoken in company … unless you are completely sober … and are in possession of teeth … preferably your own.

 

I am a peasant who plucks pheasants

Morning noon and night.

T’is no easy task this pheasant plucking

and, I just can’t get it right.

I pluck ‘em fast; I pluck em slow

Till I’m flat out on the floor

Doesn’t matter what I do,

there always is one more.

Now a peasant’s life’s no pleasant picnic

I truly kid you not.

But plucking clucking pheasants

Is the only job I’ve got.

I don’t really understand it

Perhaps I try too hard

Chasing pheasants to be plucked

Out in the plucking yard

The farmer’s kids stand watching

And laughing till they cry,

If I could be offended

I would be mortified.

But “a pluck’s a pluck” my mom says

And brother she should know

She pleasantly plucks pheasants

Everywhere she goes.

She is the princess of pheasant plucking

Her fame is world renowned

She plucks her way from shore to shore

And sleeps on duck plucked down.

She can pluck while seated,

She plucks standing on her head

I’ve heard tell she also plucks

Whilst lying in her bed.

Matters not which way I pluck ‘em

I cannot match her score

I just don’t understand it,

I really pluck ‘em raw.

After all this pleasant pheasant plucking

You think I’d quit the game

But no, not me, I go right on plucking

Till they all look the same.

At end of day when I’m plucked out

I can’t even raise a  peasant smile

I have a drink at the Plucker Inn

After I walk a country mile.

My friends all gather round me,

and give me drinks for free,

they kindly ask about my mother’s

latest, pheasant plucking spree.

One day as I was plucking pheasants

In my usual plucking place
A stranger came up screeching!

Cursing loudly in my face.

“My god! What are you doing?”

Is what she asked of me,

“I’m a peasant plucking pheasants,”

said I, “as you can plainly see.”

“Are you a fool?” she cried aloud.

“You haven’t got it right.”

“Don’t tell me that fair lady,

‘cause I pluck pheasants day and night”.

She slapped my pleasant peasant face

Then she screamed out fit to burst.

“If you’re going to pluck a pheasant, peasant
You’re meant to kill it first!”

 

I can hear you groaning from all the way down here in Oz!  … You were warned! 😊😊😊

 

 

 

 

Book Review: ‘Hurricane Kretschman’ by Jeff Lee. Book 4 of the ‘Adventures in La-La Land’ Series.

 

Meet the author.

Jeff Lee image for review
Jeff Lee.

Born in New York State, Jeff Lee was raised in the San Francisco Bay Area and has spent his entire writing career in Los Angeles.

For more than thirty years he has been a copywriter and creative director for some of the advertising industry’s most recognizable agencies, winning numerous awards for his creativity. None of those ad agencies are still in business, but Jeff appears to have a solid alibi.

Trained as a cook in the Army, he still enjoys being creative in the kitchen and admits that few things in life compare with the thrill of discovering you have just given a nasty case of food poisoning to 140 heavily armed men.

Jeff lives about halfway between Los Angeles and Santa Barbara, in a house he shares with his two sons and a cat that’s part golden retriever.

BOOK COVER HURRICANE KRETSCHMAN BY JEFF LEE JPG

HURRICANE KRETSCHMAN:

BLURB

All wisecracking, Harley-riding Repo Man and Bounty Hunter to the Stars Fish Fishbein wants is a cool vacation. It’s just him and his three best buds, potato-potato-potatoing down the highway — along with a force of nature named Shawna Kretschman, a bad-ass blonde with her own full-race hog. Not to mention a short fuse, serious fighting skills and an outfit that leaves zippo to the imagination. All lickety-splitting their way to Sturgis, South Dakota to link up with better than a million hard-drinking, harder partying Harley owners at the town’s annual Motor Cycle Rally.

But a high-powered real estate developer wants all the bikers gone, so he can sell the area as a family-oriented resort town. And he’ll stop at nothing – including murder – to get what he wants. Bikers and locals suddenly start dropping like road racers on a rain-slick GP course. And Fish, his friends and his big mouth are all in the developer’s crosshairs.

They’re on a hysterical collision course that includes phony cops, bar fights, pepper spray-laced paint balls, a no-holds-barred wrestling match in a ring full of chocolate pudding, getting adopted by the entire Sioux nation and manscaping.

The annual Sturgis Motorcycle Rally might be an 80 year-old tradition. But it’s going to take all of Fish’s brains and a ton of luck to keep himself and his buds alive long enough to enjoy a few more seasons.

My Review 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 Hands-down, one of THE funniest Books I have read.

Every once in a rare while an author comes along with the comedic timing essential to writing a fast-paced one liner such as ‘Hurricane Kretschman’. Having been totally entertained by the three preceding books in this series, I was both curious and excited to see if this talented author could make me laugh out loud in public yet again. He did. Author Lee’s wonderfully creative touch has given substance to several amazing characters in his journey through the mayhem that is crafted within these pages.

Central character “Fish” Fishbein is more complex than you would suspect at first viewing. The layers of this hilariously funny and deeply caring man are peeled back slowly, and every clever line of dialogue is intertwined with the characters love for his crazy companions, Kenny and Einstein, as they decide to head across the USA to the Motor Cycle Rally to end all Rally’s in Sturgis, South Dakota.

His constant companions and partners in  … well … everything, are cleverly drawn. Well enough in fact, to become clearly visual and as equally lovable as they are chaotic.

To my delight (And Fish’s) a new character explodes into being along the way.

How on earth does a reviewer ever hope to encapsulate the outrageously funny, and often diabolically dangerous persona of Shawna Kretschman aka the Hurricane Kretschman of the books title.

Suffice it say that this beautiful blonde PTSD suffering, Harley riding ex-Military M.P with attitude to ‘die’ from …er … for, adds further dimensions to the reading enjoyment. She sets “Fish’s” pulses racing as fast as a hog on a racetrack. Has our hero found love at last?

Whether they live long enough to find that out remains to be seen.

Enter the villain in the unflattering shape of Dale Kimbrough, a land developer set on making the bikers (All of them) disappear so he can develop a family friendly place. What’s not family friendly about bikers?

Suffice it to say, bodies start appearing, and bad guys start disappearing in rapid succession. The developer badly underestimated just how much mayhem he was unleashing when he chose to take on our heroes.

I laughed out loud so often along the road of this amazing journey, it was indeed a pleasure to become reunited with author Jeff Lee’s superbly talented writing. I simply can’t recommend this book highly enough.

OTHER OUTSTANDING BOOKS BY JEFF LEE.

BOOK COVER JEFF LEE THE LADIES TEMPERANCE CLUB FAREWELL TOURBOOK COVER JEFF LEE CHUMP CHANGE

purchase CHUMP CHANGE on Amazon.com

Purchase The Ladies Temperance Club Farewell Tour on Amazon.com

Purchase Hurricane Kretschman on Amazon.com

Jeff Lee Author Page on Amazon.com

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Soooz Says Stuff! Uh-oh! “Let’s talk about sex-(ting) baby.”

sexting-2

Those of you that know me are well aware that my mind goes off on on some fairly (Okay, make that really) weird tangents. Blame it on the weather, water supply, self-medicating … or just sixty-three years of observation and a whole lot of laughter.

For those of you fortunate enough not to have made my acquaintance yet, run, while you still can.

With that in mind, (mine, not yours) I ask you to picture this … if you will.

A young couple have been texting each other for a few days-weeks-hours. They finally make arrangements to meet face-to-face and phone-to-phone and decide that it’s time they took their relationship to another level.

Yeah! THAT other level.

Anyways … after they decide whose apartment is closer, using the google map app, and knowing they can order in using Menu-Log they head off for an evening of friends with benefits. Or, SEX as we called it back when writing was done on papyrus.

They decide on location. His apartment wins by 2.5 miles. It smells of unwashed sox and a fully loaded kitty-litter tray … but in the heat of passion, she doesn’t notice.

No pre-emptive romantic stuff. Throw back a few drinks, or something equally as numbing and away they go!

The clothes are off, the bodies stripped of designer label concealment … and so it begins.

Oh, did I mention that they are both clinging tightly to their cell-phones? No? Well, trust me, they are. (This is my little story, right?)

He kisses her, gazes into her eyes and waits … his phone buzzes.

The text message reads, “ That was, u know, nice.”

She smiles and kisses him in return. And, waits.

“Yes. Your skin smells great.”

He moves his free hand lower and strokes her. And…yeah, he waits.

“OMG.”

Taking that as a sign that things are moving right along he proceeds further …

She texts …“Can u take a selfie of my face, while I’m, you know?” Then the waiting thing again.

”Like, that’s such a cool, idea. U take one of me too?”

You know the drill.

“Wow, I’ll bet we are the first people in like ever to have done this.”

From here on I’ll just type the initial W for the waiting thing.

W.

“Yeah.”

She texts. “Um, who first? (SERIOUSLY!)

W.

“I like think it better be u. Cause, u know, if I do then um … u know, I kind of … u know, can’t get a selfie of u while u like … do.”

W.

“Oh. Lol. Yeah.”

W.

“Is it good?”

W.

“Amazing. I think u can take that, selfie, like, anytime now.”

W.

She texts again. “Did you get it?”

W.

“Sure did.”

W.

“Show me.”

He holds the phone to her  …

W.

“OMG! I’m like, wow, happy.”

W.

“My turn?”

W.

“Yeah, but can u make it like really fast, my phones almost out of charge.”

W.

“Oh, Ok. I’ll tell u when.”

W.

W.

W.

“Now.”

W.

“So, like, was it ok?”

W.

“Yeah! Take a look at the selfie.” She holds the phone to his face.

W.

“Wow. I feel like we really connected, u know. Can I C U again?”

W.

“This could be something um … special, like … really special, yeah?

W.

W.

“Yeah.”

And so, dear reader, the young um … lovers, exchange their real last names. Via text of course. This being the equivalent of taking her home to meet mom and dad.

So, are you sitting back nodding or shaking your head in agreement or despair at the “Younger” generation … ? Let me take you on a trip down memory lane (my memory not yours) er-hem.

Circa Late 1960’s. My generation.

Ah, yes … we were SO different. Weren’t we?

I mean sure we had a the whole cultural revolution thing happening, worldwide, there was free love ( a term which still amuses me) ain’t no such animal.

A population explosion,  ensued. (Gasp! Really?) Hippies, flower power, Woodstock, Dylan, Hendrix, Janis Joplin…OUR music, right?

We marched in protest against the Vietnam war, when most of us didn’t know where the hell Vietnam was. Never considering for one moment that the protests themselves whilst well motivated were  a slap in the face to all the boys who had gone off voluntarily to fight it.

The political world was in giant upheaval…ah, yeah. Well gee that’s really different.

We smoked our pot, had sex a lot, and complained about the older generation not understanding us .

Sounding familiar yet?

This generation, I’m talking circa 2017 now…are they really so different?

I think not. They are still playing the age old song, only the orchestrations have changed.

Anyways, that for what it’s worth is my take.

Gotta run…my guys on his way over, and the damned phone’s not charged

Like, um … seriously?

Sigh.

mandy-ward

 

 

Preparing the Listeners for my spot on RRBC Tag Team 2* 4* 5 Blog Talk Radio!

G’DAY! … I am so excited to have been invited to take part in the upcoming edition of RRBC TAG TEAM 2* 4* 5. Airing on Saturday 22nd October at 12.00 Midday CT in the USA. (It will be 4:00 am Sunday 23rd here in OZ)

In the spirit of forever being helpful (Plus the fact that I’m just really strange) I decided that you lovely folks may need a little bit of assistance in translating  “Aussie Speak.”  (Hell I’d never even heard of some of these myself!) The word ‘CRIKEY’ is missing from the list…’cause not many people apart from the late Steve Irwin (Croc Hunter) ever use it.

rrbc-kangaroo-funny

I’m sending a copy to the hosts of the program Bill Ward and John Howell so they are well prepared for the utter confusion talking to me about anything, anywhere, and at any time often brings.

(Disclaimer) If I DO actually sound like this … PLEASE ignore! I’ll send a translator before I ever do a Radio Interview again. I kid you not.

 

Ace! : Excellent! Very good!

Arvo : afternoon
Amber fluid : beer
Aussie : Australian
Beaut, beauty : great, fantastic
Big Mobs : loads, a lot of
Bloody : very
Bloody oath! : that’s certainly true
Blue : argument/mistake
Bodgy : poor quality
Bonzer : great, ripper
Bottler : something excellent
Bottling :
his blood’s worth:
he’s an excellent, helpful bloke
Buckley’s chance :
(you’ve got)
no chance
Bull dust : rubbish
Cactus : dead, broken
Cark it : to die, stop working
Chocka : full up
Click : kilometre – “it’s 20 clicks away”
Come a gutser : a bad mistake or have an accident
Come good : turn out ok
Cooee, not within : figuratively a long way away
Cost big bikkies : expensive
Crack a fat : get an erection
Cream, to : defeat by a large margin
Cut snake :
(mad as a)
very angry
Dead dingo’s donger :
(as dry as a)
dry
Deadset : true / the truth
Dingo’s breakfast : no breakfast
Dinkum / fair dinkum : true, real, genuine
Dinky-di : the real thing, genuine
Docket : a bill, receipt
Doco : documentary
Drink with the flies : to drink alone
Dunny rat :
(cunning as a)
very cunning
Exy : expensive
Fair dinkum : true, genuine
Fair go : a chance / break
Fair suck of the sav! : exclamation of wonder, awe, disbelief
Furphy : rumour
G’Day : hello!
Give it a burl : try it, have a go
Give it away : give up
Going off : good fun
Good oil : useful information, a good idea, the truth
Good onya : well done
Grouse : great, terrific
Heaps : a lot
Iffy : dodgy
It’s gone walkabout : it’s lost, can’t be found
Kangaroos loose
in the top paddock :
Intellectually inadequate
Kick the bucket : to die
Knock back : refuse
London to a brick : absolute certainty
Lunch :
(who opened their?)
OK, who farted?
Mate’s rate : cheaper than usual for a friend
Mate’s discount : cheaper than usual for a friend
No worries! : no problem / its okay
Nun’s nasty :
(as dry as a)
very dry
Piece of piss : easy task
Pig’s arse! : I don’t agree
Plate, bring a : Instruction to bring a plate of food to a party
Pozzy : position
Quid, make a : earn a living
Rack off : get lost! get out of here!
Reckon! : for sure
Ridgy-didge : original, genuine
Right : okay
Ripper : Great
Rooted : ruined, broken
She’ll be apples : It’ll be all right
She’ll be right : it’ll be okay
Sparrows fart : dawn
Strewth : exclamation
Stoked : very pleased
Stuffed, I’ll be : expression of surprise
Too right : definitely
Turps, hit the : go on a drinking binge
Zack, not worth a : not worth anything

Talent Spotter #10. In celebration of an upcoming new release! By Author, Jeff Lee.

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I’m delighted to present Author Jeff Lee, One of my all time favorite comedic writers!

Jeff has a brand new book coming soon, in celebration of that event he is giving away a copy of his well received and hilarious book ” Ladies Farewell Temperance Club’s Farewell Tour.” to one lucky reader who comments below.

Hold on to your hats, folks … here we go!

Talent Spotter for Jeff lee Cover for Ladies Temp leaughe

Talent spotter blurb piccie

The Ladies Temperance Club’s Farewell Tour

Vonda Mae Ables could never hurt a soul. Now she’s on the lam in a huge RV, with her best friends, gallons of Chardonnay and a stiff in the freezer.

Vonda has suffered her alcoholic boyfriend’s abuse for twenty years. But when she finally stands up for herself, she overdoes it and crushes his skull with a football trophy. Rather than turn herself in, she enlists her friends to help ditch the body. They stash the boyfriend in the freezer of his humongous RV and take off for Arizona, planning a quiet desert burial. Unfortunately, the plan goes more sideways with every mile. Vonda finally finds a likely place to plant the dead SOB, but now he’s frozen solid and stuck in the freezer.

Exhausted from their day of digging and unsuccessfully trying to extricate him, the women stop at a local cafe. While they’re drinking dinner, a gang of Harley-riding repo guys makes off with the RV and a Good Samaritan reports the theft. Vonda panics when the police arrive to investigate, knowing if the cops recover the RV and discover what’s in the freezer, she might have to turn that old trophy on herself.

Imagine THELMA AND LOUISE meets Lucy & Ethel — It’s about good friends, good wine, manslaughter and the lengths we’ll go for those we care about.

Here’s what just two reviewers had to say!

5 stars  “Quick – someone make this into a movie!!!”

From Mandy Ward “The Tiger Princess” (South Wales)

“…The story itself revolves around the active membership of the Newbury Park Ladies’ Temperance Club. Vonda, Kay and Francine are three close friends who support each other through the thick and thin of daily life, accompanied by as many bottles of wine as they can drink together.

 Vonda is married to Jack Thibideau and after one particularly nasty encounter with Jack’s taste in porn and alcohol, coupled with many good reasons for divorcing the guy, Vonda picks up a nearby trophy and does to Jack what any thinking person would like to do…

 The hijinks start after Francine and Kay find Vonda and decide to take her on a road trip in Jack’s luxury RV. They stuff Jack’s body into the RV’s onboard chest freezer and disappear into the night.

 This is one book you are going to find yourself snorting, cheering and laughing aloud at!

 Be prepared to have to read pieces out or explain what you are reacting to, or alternatively, you could suggest that the inquirer read the book themselves. Either way, it is a rollercoaster ride of emotion and entertainment from beginning to end.

 Jeff Lee has really captured the whole road trip movie feel and his characters are perfectly crafted, drawing you into the story and making you care about them in so few words. His descriptions at each pitstop they take and the encounters they have keep the story flowing nicely, especially after Fish and his Sidekicks get involved…

 This is a book that I think will lift the spirits no matter how many times you read it, and one that I can seriously see becoming a box office blockbuster.”

Review #2:

5.0 out of 5 stars “The Most Loveable Winos & Cast of Characters Ever!!!”

From D. D. Scott

I bought this book because I luuuvvved Author Jeff Lee’s blurb:
Thelma and Louis meet Lucy and Ethel

Great concept, right?!

But I fell in love with this book…and now have it on my cyber Keeper Shelf…because The Ladies Temperance Club is the most loveable bunch of quirky-crazy winos I’ve ever read!!!

And the secondary characters – Trailer Park and Diner Queen Ruby and her no-teeth, sweet-as-sugar hubby, Detectives Farley and Sturm, and the superfab Area 51 alien-hunting Icelandic boys – are a hoot and then some!!!

Not to mention the A-mazing one-liners throughout the entire book which had me LMAO from page one ’til The End.

Oh, and what’s not to luuuvvv about the well-endowed ceramic planters gracing the dashboard of the quirky-crazy winos’ RV?!

Rumor has it, Jeff is writing the sequel, and I know I’ll be one of the first to buy it!!!

And my own review!

Be warned..this book will make you laugh till you cry!


Format: Kindle Edition

This book should come with the attached warning…”Do not attempt to read this novel whilst drinking any form of liquid; it is guaranteed to make you laugh out loud and spurt the contents of your drink over the nearest available clothing/electronic equipment/intended mother-in-law.

I love a book that makes me smile; I love a book that makes me laugh…This book made me embarrass myself on a crowded commuter train…I snort when I laugh that much, what can I tell you?

Meet the three female rogues…Vonda, Fifty something and making every day count for something… including murdering the low life son-of-a-sleazebag that has made her life intolerable for twenty years. The miserly, scamming, dysfunctional, short, nasty piece of work named Jack Thibideau. He earned his early demise, and then some.

Francine: Ahhh…my personal favorite, innocent, loyal to a fault, funny without attempting to be and just plain lovable. Watching her evolve is a joy to read. She is one of life’s survivors seemingly a quiet soul with no insight in how to stand up for herself.

Meet Kay; Smart mouthed, sassy, and a friend to the end.

These three diverse women take off in an RV that takes up a city block…on a journey to lay the body of Jack Thibideau, stiff {for the first time on his sicko life}, and slowing freezing in the underbelly of the van somewhere where he can defrost and decompose in peace {Not that he deserves it.}

The journey is a delight; author Jeff Lee has drawn each and every character with an artist’s eye for detail, dialogue, and clever characterizations. His observations of people are acerbic and acutely accurate.

Every character no matter how minor the role they play becomes clearly visible to the reader, you see them, hear them and in many cases smell them as they are intertwined in a cleverly plotted fast-paced delight of a book.

What pleases me even more with Author Lee’s work is that the plot is carefully drawn with seeming ease, comedic writing is hard to maintain, the timing has to be perfect and seemingly effortless… yet it it is one of the most difficult genres to write well.

This is a gem. Written beautifully.

The evolution of the characters is paced well, each of our central figures begin to change; they grow along with the story. I care about these women; I want the ending to see each of them happy. That is the mark of an Author that shines…someone that stands out from the crowd; Jeff Lee made me care for these folks. He is a fine writer, and I have no hesitation in giving this a 5 star rating, and happily recommending it to all those who enjoy a damned good laugh and more importantly a good story well told.

Talent Spotter images links for Liza Oconnor

 Links to find Jeff Lee.

Amazon link: Purchase Here on Amazon U.K

FB Author Page: on.Jeff Lee on Facebook

REMEMBER..1 lucky reader will win a kindle copy of This book. Just be certain to leave a comment below.

And! Be warned … the LATEST book in the series is on its way…(Hurricane Kretschman) will be available soon!

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